I found these on a blog, they are said to be from a little book called "Disorder in the Court" which I believe is by Bob Terrell.
All of these are said to be real quotations from actual court cases and I have to say that most are very funny. I especially like the ones about autopsies:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteen.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
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Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
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Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
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Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
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Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about
it until the next morning?
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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
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Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
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Q: Did he kill you?
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Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
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Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
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Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
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Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
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Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
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Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
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Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Observations from a Brit who has lived in New Jersey and Queens followed by almost 4 years living in the Edgar Allan Poe Cottage in the Bronx in New York City. Recently relocated to Tillson which is in the Hudson Valley area of New York State, next to the popular town of New Paltz. Links to online shops and Print-on-Demand companies where you can buy household and gift items incorporating my own photography, Art of the Great Masters and vintage designs and illustrations.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Monday, March 05, 2007
This is just a very brief announcement that today I opened a new shop which offers a selection of poetry, prayers and scripture on tiles. It is called, appropriately enough, VerseTile
We have launched the poetry section with some brand new items featuring poems by Emily Dickinson to which we will soon be adding many more works by poets from both sides of the pond. In the prayer section you will find tiles and tile boxes with the Lord's Prayer, the Serenity Prayer and the St Francis Peace Prayer, some accompanied by an image of stained glass. Last, not least, the scripture section begins with quotations from both Old and New Testaments including the ever-popular 23rd and 121st psalms, Jesus The Good Shepherd, the parable of the good Samaritan and Micah 6:8.
We have launched the poetry section with some brand new items featuring poems by Emily Dickinson to which we will soon be adding many more works by poets from both sides of the pond. In the prayer section you will find tiles and tile boxes with the Lord's Prayer, the Serenity Prayer and the St Francis Peace Prayer, some accompanied by an image of stained glass. Last, not least, the scripture section begins with quotations from both Old and New Testaments including the ever-popular 23rd and 121st psalms, Jesus The Good Shepherd, the parable of the good Samaritan and Micah 6:8.
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